I had just about everything in mind when I was choosing the pieces to wear on this particular day. I wanted to wear layers - thin layers that is, what with the weather still scorching in early September; something feminine, in the form of an A-line skirt with a side-slit; streetwear; oh and in case the rain pours because you just never know when it will in this city, and so I have to be prepared for it, shoes-wise; and of course, a hat, bandana choker, and sunglasses, to add that cool edge to my seemingly very simple outfit (because I'm wearing a tee and that's how it always feels like when I do). What do you know, they all worked! I have days when I don't know what to wear while other days, I want to wear everything. Sometimes it works, but other times I just wanna cancel all my plans for the day because I couldn't decide what to wear out. You get me? Hear, hear.
Anyway, on life notes, I'm about to plunge into deep waters in next couple of weeks as I plan to have several major changes in my life. I can foresee myself short of breath as I swim away so this is me mentally preparing for it. This is also my way of warning you that this might cause for me to break down here once in a while; you might find me irritating with all my complains and such and so, just a precaution.
I once read somewhere that if your life is in a whirlwind, you better be glad because that means you're moving and you're going somewhere; good or bad, at least you're not stuck rotting in a corner, and I guess that much is true. I'm trying to look at everything right now from an optimistic perspective because I know that I'll be taking a lot of risks: instability in terms of financial and career growth, accepting the uncertainties that come with my decisions, the fact that what lies ahead is such a blur compared to how clear my plans were three years ago or in fact, my whole life, is a whole new concept to me.
You see, I've always been the kind of person one step ahead of myself; always with a plan B in case plan A fails; a practical young being. But that's also precisely why I've made so much decisions in my life thinking about practicality that I was always on the safe side; almost never taking a leap of faith by doing something random or impractical. In travelling and shopping, yes, I can be very spontaneous. But when it comes to real life decisions such as applying for jobs that I thought I wanted, or choosing a career path that I thought was right for me, made me unhappy. And I would always wonder what if I decided to purse my real passion as a career instead of something that is readily available because it was practical, the "thing" to be, and stable, would I have been happier?
In a few months, I will be turning 26. Just the thought of if makes me cringe, not because I'm disgusted, no. But I would be if I grew older and not wiser, without having established anything for myself.
The other night, I was having this very conversation with one of my friends, telling him that I wouldn't really consider myself worthless at this point. In fact, I have quite a few "achievements" I should say, if you count a small property investment that I'm about to get my hands on in a few days; items ticked off my bucket list such as travelling to far off places; cities that I've only ever dreamed of visiting including Paris, London, Milan, and Tokyo, and I have been very fortunate to experience all these with the one person I truly love. I have maintained this blog longer than I have ever kept to a single job, and to me, that is a far greater achievement than pleasing other people for money's worth.
But the truth is, those aren't enough. I long for more; more than stability, more than money itself. I haven't been working hard enough to realize my dreams because I'm still helping somebody else achieve their dreams. The more I work and travel, and the more knowledge I gain, I get frustrated because it dawns on me that I'm still inside my comfort zone, too afraid to come out.
And so while there's still time, I'm taking a wild run. Forget about being practical for just a minute (or say a year or two?). At the end of the day, if all else fails, at least I won't have to ask myself "what if", because that would have been answered. At least I know I tried, and that a thousand times better than doing nothing at all.
Photos by Pierre Elma
[Tee : Izzue][Hat and Sunnies : Forever 21][Shoes : Zara][Clutch : Bershka][Vest : H&M][Skirt : Boohoo]